The Cost of Pretending: Why High-Achieving Women Burn Out Behind the Mask

Emotional Health of High-Achieving WomenLeadership and Coaching

Nov 18

Written By Anne Welsh

By Dr. Anne Welsh

Working mom spending quality time with her child at home

Have you ever felt like you're just pretending to be the perfect woman, leader, or mom?

You’re not alone.

Personal Story: When Pretending Starts Early

When my oldest was little, he loved pretending.
His stuffed animals had entire backstories. He’d build worlds that rivaled Netflix plots and get frustrated when other kids couldn’t keep up. His siblings adored it. They’d wait eagerly for the next twist, the next adventure, the next world he’d imagine.

Pretend play is healthy for kids. It teaches social skills, empathy, and imagination.
Even now, some of my kids dive into Dungeons & Dragons — a different kind of pretending, but still a safe, creative way to explore identity.

Pretending is healthy when
you know you’re doing it.

But when it becomes a way of living — a mask you wear at work, at home, or with friends — it stops being playful.

It starts being painful.

The Third “P” of the Ambition Paradox: Pretending

One of my clients once said, “I got to the top of the ladder… and realized I’d been pretending all along.”

She had played the part — the perfect leader, the perfect mom.
On paper? Wildly successful.
Inside? Exhausted, resentful, unfulfilled.

That’s the third “P” of the Ambition Paradox: Pretending.
The Ambition Paradox is the cycle so many ambitious women fall into:

Perfectionism
People-pleasing
Pretending

These aren’t flaws, they’re survival strategies.
At first, they protect us from impossible standards. Over time, they trap us.

Pretending becomes the final mask, the one we forget we’re even wearing.

Sometimes, pretending doesn’t look like smiling through stress or overperforming at work. Sometimes it’s quieter. It’s saying yes when we mean no. It’s swallowing frustration to avoid rocking the boat. It’s doubting our instincts because they don’t match the script we’ve been handed. Over time, those small moments of disconnection from ourselves compound until one day, we realize we’ve become fluent in a language that isn’t ours.

And it’s exhausting.

What the Research Says: Pretending Drains Us

Psychologists call one version of this “surface acting” when you fake or suppress emotions to meet expectations.

While surface acting is just one form of pretending, the data is clear: emotional performance comes at a cost.

A 2011 meta-analysis found that surface acting is strongly associated with emotional exhaustion and decreased job satisfaction
(Hülsheger & Schewe, Journal of Applied Psychology, 2011).
Women are especially impacted due to cultural expectations around emotional labor — being warm, composed, and accommodating in both professional and caregiving roles
(Grandey et al., Academy of Management Annals, 2019).

Pretending isn’t protective. It’s corrosive.

It drains the very energy we need to stay creative, connected, and whole. And it’s one of the hidden drivers of burnout — especially for high-achieving women navigating both ambition and caregiving.

What Happens When We Stop Pretending

Here’s what I want you to know:
Pretending is not required for belonging.
You don’t have to keep the mask on to be respected, loved, or successful.

Ambition doesn’t have to mean performance.
We can choose healthy striving, aligning goals with what truly matters, not someone else’s version of enough.

And when we stop pretending?
We don’t just feel more authentic.
We feel more connected because real connection only happens when we’re real.

A Small Experiment in Honesty

If you want to loosen the grip of pretending, start small.

Try moments of truth:

Say, “Actually, this week’s been hard,” instead of “I’m fine.”
Let a colleague see your messy desk.
Tell your partner you need a break — before burnout hits.

Each honest moment is a step toward yourself. A step away from performance.

It may feel scary; vulnerability often does.
But it’s also the first step toward freedom.

Because life gets infinitely lighter when you stop pretending to have it all together and start allowing yourself to be whole.

You don’t have to keep performing to be enough.

The real you, the one under the mask, the one who’s tired of pretending, is already worthy of love, respect, and success.

When you let go of the script and come back to yourself, that’s not weakness. That’s power. Real, grounded, sustainable power.

And that’s where your next chapter begins.

Sources:

Hülsheger, U. R., & Schewe, A. F. (2011). On the costs and benefits of emotional labor: A meta-analysis of three decades of research. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 16(3), 361–389. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0022876

Grandey, A. A., Gabriel, A. S., & King, E. B. (2019). Emotional labor at a crossroads: Where do we go from here? Academy of Management Annals, 13(1), 55–84. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-orgpsych-032414-111400
University of Nebraska at Omaha (2023). The Performance of the Working Woman: The Emotional Labor Behind the Mask. Student Research and Creative Activity Fair. https://digitalcommons.unomaha.edu/srcaf/2023/Schedule/136