The People-Pleasing Trap: How Working Moms Can Break Free and Step up
One of the things that many of my clients struggle with? Especially in working motherhood?
People-pleasing.
You want to make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of—your boss, your colleagues, your kids, your partner, the PTA, even the random acquaintance who asked for a favor. It almost becomes automatic- You’ve spent years saying yes, proving your worth, and making sure no one is disappointed.
But at what cost? Let’s dig into this.
Why Do We People-Please?
For so many ambitious women, people-pleasing isn’t just a habit—it’s a survival strategy.
People-pleasing often starts early. As women, we are taught to do it from the day we are born. Many of us were raised to be helpful, easygoing, and likable. In school, we learned that being agreeable got us praise.
Then, it becomes how we move up- It is how we succeed in school. It’s how we built our careers & how we earned trust. At work, we saw that taking on extra projects made us indispensable.
And as moms? Well, we were handed an invisible script that told us: good mothers are selfless. It becomes the easy go-to for keeping the peace at home.
The result? We say yes to things we don’t have time for. We take on emotional labor no one even notices. We overextend ourselves at work, at home, in friendships. We avoid conflict. We swallow our needs.
And we wonder why we feel exhausted, resentful, and stretched impossibly thin.
The Cost of People-Pleasing for Working Moms
People-pleasing isn’t just tiring—it’s unsustainable. It leads to:
Burnout. Giving endlessly to others leaves little for yourself.
Resentment. When we say yes out of obligation, we often feel frustrated and unseen.
Disconnection from ourselves. Constantly focusing on what others need makes it hard to know what we need.
And here’s the worst part- when we do it all the time, we pass it down in a cycle.
Our kids are always watching. If they see us over-apologizing, over-functioning, and ignoring our own needs, they learn that’s what love and success look like, or even simply what being female or a mother means.
How to Break the Cycle of People-Pleasing
So, how do we start unlearning this? How do we stop saying yes to things we don’t actually want?
Pause Before You Say Yes. When someone asks for something—whether it’s staying late at work, baking cookies for school, or managing a family task—don’t automatically agree. Try saying, “Let me think about that” or “I’ll check my schedule.” Give yourself space to decide if you actually want to do it.
Check In With Yourself. When faced with a request, ask:
Am I saying yes because I want to or because I feel like I should?
What will saying yes cost me? (Time, energy, stress?)
Will I regret this later?
3.Practice Discomfort. Saying no is hard, especially if you’re used to keeping the peace. But discomfort isn’t danger. It’s just new. Start small. Decline something minor and sit with the feeling. It gets easier.
4. Reframe What “Good” Means. Being a good employee doesn’t mean taking on extra work without boundaries. Being a good mother doesn’t mean saying yes to everything your family wants. What if being “good” meant being honest about your capacity?
5. Teach Your Kids a Different Way. If you struggle with setting boundaries, think about what you’d want your child to do in your shoes. Would you want them to run themselves into the ground trying to please everyone? Probably not. Show them a different way—by modeling it yourself.
You’re Allowed to Take Up Space
Motherhood, especially working motherhood, comes with so much pressure. But you don’t have to be all things to all people. You don’t have to earn your worth by over-giving.
The people who love you don’t need you to be perfect. They need you—whole, rested, and real.
So the next time you feel that automatic yes rising in your throat, pause.
Ask yourself: Do I actually want to do this?
And if the answer is no? Let it be no.
You’re still an incredible mom. You’re still a dedicated professional. And you’re still enough.
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